Change

Can people ever really change?

We all want to think that we can; that ending the bad habits we have is just one decision away. Yet we all know that seeing someone really change is rare. You might notice a change in someone when they've met a new person or started a new job, but like so many New Year's resolutions to make it to the gym, those changes tend to be fleeting and it's not long before that friend of yours is back to being like who they were before they tried to make the change. I know it sounds cynical but more often than not the honeymoon period ends.

Yet on another level, the events in our lives are constantly changing us. Sometimes its the mundane aspects of life, like rudeness on the street and other times it's major ones like becoming an aunt that change us. One of these experiences can renew your faith in a positive meaning of life, and the other can reinforce the futility of existence. The way life has changed you leading up to those experiences will shape which of those turns out to be the positive experience.

Time and time again it seems that experiences in life tend to only harden people, to make them keep things internalized and to not let others see them being vulnerable. Cynicism again, but it I don't think too many of you would disagree with that.

I had an experience in grad school where through a series of decisions that I and those around me had made led to me being alone for about a month straight. Classes were just over and many close friends moved away, there were two friends that I had actually pushed away on purpose (one for the better, the other less so), I was dating someone who was traveling for several weeks (we broke up right after she got back), I moved into a studio apartment, was looking for a job, had no TV, no internet (this was about 12 years ago), and my family was in another city. I had the self awareness to know that this experience would change me, and I was determined that it would make me stronger.

I spent a lot of that time reading pulpy science fiction and playing video games on my ancient computer. I knew pretty quickly that this experience wasn't good for me. i didn't exercise, I didn't volunteer, I didn't pick up any hobbies - in fact I did nothing to better myself at all. This was an opportunity that was terrible for me to miss, and miss it I did.

The purpose of this blog is for me to push myself to be better at my job. It's helping, but I don't need to simply be better at my job, I need to be better at my life. I had a bad experience a few years ago and I've internalized pretty much all of my response to it. This has lead me to some pretty dark places inside and once again I've managed to change myself for the worse without trying to or even realizing it until now. The negative effect that this has had on me effects all aspects of my life, and I'm sure those around me note that change in my everyday behavior. To be sure, I'm not spending all day moping, I do enjoy much of my day to day life, but this internalized grief weighs on me and has changed my humor. I'm less funny, more abrupt, withdrawn and irritable.

People can change, and I believe that we are dynamic beings constantly responding to an existence that can be very hard and very, very beautiful. But it's easier to be changed by life rather than actually being the one making the change. At this point for me it's like the sum of the parts of my are all balled up into the coma of a comet and the one small part of my psyche that has remained unchanged is leaning hard against that giant mass to try to change its course. I want a different orbit than the one I'm on, but do I have the energy to alter the direction of that mass?

As always, the Deep Beam has to try. His survival depends on it, but can anyone do that from within?

The truth is probably not, change comes from without, and so I need to find the place that will help me make the change to my orbit.