Mediocrity

At my review last week my employers told me that they want me to be more of a leader. They feel strongly that Architects are important to the building process and are the natural entity to lead a building project through it's many stages. Therefore in any situation, be it good or bad, we should be leading the group to the next step. The group could be the client, the builder, the interior designer, or any number of other consultants or sub-contractors.

My boss who was leading this part of the conversation is more of the tough guy of the two of them and his leadership style, while dynamic and effective, feels like it would be difficult for me to pull off - it's a little aggressive. I think the other boss sensed that Boss #1's style isn't like my own, or is at least not how I picture myself behaving. So Boss #2 told me that I can be a leader on projects while still being the laid back and "likeable" person that he sees me as, and incidentally I see myself as. That was the right thing for me to hear, and one of the things that I like about my bosses is that they are sensitive to how other people do things and know how to motivate them. It's a real skill and is one of the things that makes them good Architects.

So, I have to start being a leader, and my job being what it is, I have no shortage of opportunities in front of me. One of the first is with my client who is coming in to review the pricing drawings that I'll have more or less done for him tomorrow. Last week I was thinking a bit about how to show him that I am leading his project, and one of the first things it occurred to me to tell him was something about how sarcastic I am and how that's really a strength.

My client was in the Navy for a while and used to drive ships, and knowing that the only thing I could think to say that involved me and sarcasm is, "I use sarcasm to hide my mediocrity."

It was sad to realize that that was true, but no matter how much I try to see it differently - I can't. I was a solid B+ to A- student in High School and most of college and grad school, I was on the Junior Varsity swim team until the end of my senior year, and although I've run two marathons my times were well below average (though not the absolute slowest and I did complete them both). My record overall reads pretty middle of the road. I've been mediocre in a world where being mediocre is enough to get by. In fact, mediocre people often get praised because expectations are generally low in our society. And that's how I've been getting by.

My employers are pretty clearly telling me that this isn't a sustainable path for me. They haven't explicitly told me to "shape up or ship out", but they did imply that if didn't and things got bad again then maybe I wouldn't be with the company any longer. They are telling me that based on my age and experience level I should be performing better, and that they want me to step up.

I want to do better, I know I worked harder and paid more attention to my work while I was in college, but I haven't been able to put that energy level into practicing Architecture. At the office I just feel really A.D.D. for some reason. The phone is ringing, Emails are coming in, co-workers are asking questions or making small talk, and of course, the internet is there. There are so many distractions that I was seriously considering taking time away from my wife and friends so that I could take some work home with me tonight. That's something I've never done before.

Tomorrow before my meeting with the Navy Client I have a site meeting with another client that is in the punch list phase, and there will be a million little questions to settle out on that before I get back to office and sit down to plan out how I'll be a leader to the Navy Guy. That won't be easy and it's likely that I'll end up using "being busy" as an excuse for why I'll be mediocre for another day - and that is unsatisfying.